Spy Balloons: US Officials Reveal Details of Shootdowns
Dashcams, apps, pizza utilized by Air Force
US Air Force general holds press conference about downing of 4 unidentified balloons spotted floating over North America
Reporter: Where do you think these balloon objects came from?
AF: That's a great question. Fortunately, the files marked confidential and top secret that floated down to the ground after the shootdown have been scooped up by private citizens. Those top secret documents contain valuable intelligence, and we don't want any visitors from other worlds getting their hands on them.
We're not completely ruling out the possibility that the fourth balloon was returning in an Uber from an Event Horizon or maybe even the metaverse.
We're also keeping a close eye on Twitter to see if anyone claims responsibility.
Reporter: What are the balloons made from?
AF: The objects seem to be made of the same composite material that Madonna used for her Grammy face.
Balloons bigger than a bag of M&M's
Reporter: Can you describe the size and shape of the unknown objects in the sky over the US?
AF: Our intelligence indicated the first object looked like a gigantic cheeseburger with ketchup dripping out of it floating in a gravitational field of sunflowers. Upon further investigation, we discovered that this description was from an observer in Washington state, where the use of marijuana is legal.
Reliable reports describe the aerial objects as super-sized with tentacles. Others describe the objects as burrito-shaped, donut-shaped with a big bite missing, or looking like metallic EarPods. There is a possibility the four UFOs were piloted by aliens that escaped from Area 51, who knows? So, you can swipe left on that question for now.
Reporter: Can you tell us about the speed the sky objects were traveling at?
AF: Faster than a K-pop dance routine, that's for sure! They were traveling at 6G connectivity speed. We had trouble keeping up with them since we were too busy trying to reconnect to the WiFi in our fighter jets. Our preliminary analysis of the wreckage of the first balloon indicates it contained a malfunctioning GPS, made in China, of course, which was causing it to fly in a pattern like the fish do in those tablet games for cats.
Reporter: What is the color of the objects in the sky?
AF: Well, that's a tricky one. It's not like we have a color-detecting chatbot monitoring the skies 24/7. However, I can say that the colors are definitely a shade of awesomesauce!
Reporter: How long were the objects floating around before being spotted?
AF: As a low-ranking official, I can only say that our systems were monitoring the skies using a combination of big data and machine learning, and we had assistance from a balloon-chasers club on the ground who have true optical telephoto zoom smartphones. We also activated our proprietary Find My UFO app.
NORAD sky defense caught off-guard
Reporter: Some have criticized the US Air Force's delayed response to the recent sightings. How do you respond to those concerns?
AF: Look, these things move pretty fast, and they're pretty hard to track. We have the best and most advanced technology, but tracking four objects simultaneously on our Google maps is a lot like trying to send an emoji from a landline. But we're doing our best to stay on top of things. We have now deployed tracker devices that work with Android and iOS to help us keep tabs on these aerial anomalies.
We've even got a few of our airmen avatars out there with pizzas and sunscreen lotion that smells like the beach, trying to lure these UFOs in so we can get a better look at them.
We wanted to make sure it wasn't just a benign stray microwave oven or a self-driving car gone rogue. We wanted to be completely sure before we took any action, you know, with all the shenanigans and crypto-stuff going on these days, we had to be extra careful!
Reporter: Is there any concern these are spy balloons sent by China or Russia?
AF: As an Air Force official, I cannot comment on potential threats from other nations or planets, or the IoT. We're not sure if the airborne objects are a hoax, fake news, space junk, deep fake videos, or are from TikTok creators. We have also heard rumors of a new technology being developed by Facebook that would allow users to explore the balloonmosphere for “likes.”
We can't rule out the theory that these objects were simply on a joyride or a teleportation experiment gone wrong. We'll need to see their passports to know for sure.
Cutting-Edge Technologies Safeguard US Airspace
Reporter: What measures are being taken to protect the citizens of the US?
AF: We take the safety of our citizens very seriously, especially when it comes to the stratosphere.
Our Air Force jets are equipped with Microsoft Flight Simulator™ and polarized gradient cockpit windows so we can keep a close eye on the unidentified aerial phenomena even as they float dangerously close to the sun’s surface. Our pilots are also utilizing B-Looney-Screen® heads-up visor displays equipped with touchless motorized heat shields and dynamic airflow forehead air conditioning.
Air Force E-3 Sentry AWACS aircraft are fitted with dashcams, full body scanners, and virtual reality high resolution wraparound goggles, and we're beaming up reggae and soft rock music at 60 kHz, a very high frequency which can be heard by dogs and high-altitude flying objects, but, unfortunately is inaudible to humans. And of course, we've got a pretty robust foam rubber missile defense system in place, too.
We have a range of different radar systems, including ones that use haptic feedback and ones that are gamified for a more interactive experience for our airmen.
Our state-of-the-art radar system has an airbag feature in case of emergencies. We also have LiDAR, MriDAR, ToasTR and even some top-secret influencer technology that we can't disclose at the moment.
I’ll just add that we're currently developing a new kind of radar that uses a gaslighting technique to confuse any potential threats. Its codename is "Gaslightronic Defense System.”
And, let me tell you, Air Force jets can multitask like no other, they can shoot down balloons and also perform the latest BTS dance moves!
If necessary, we are also prepared to use our Space Force’s AI to create a no-fly zone along suspected spy-balloon paths. Any surveillance balloons approaching the NFZ will be alerted to the restrictions via two-factor authentication text message. Of course, all spy balloons will have to register first with our off-the-shelf drones which will form a Bermuda Triangle-like defense around all potential threats in the air.
We can't rule out the possibility that the unknown airborne objects pose a danger to citizens, but we're doing everything we can to keep you safe. We've been encouraging people to take a staycation and stay indoors until we can verify that the objects are not a threat.
But if anyone does spot something strange in the sky, we encourage you to contact the National UFO Reporting Center so we can get the alien coordinates and target it with nag screens that demand a 5-star rating which can only be stopped by surrendering.
I can tell you we have some of the most advanced UFO-detection technology in the world, including alien speech-to-text translation and neural networks, all powered by Blockchain. So, rest assured, our skies are safe and secure.
Unique UFO Symphony of Sounds
Reporter: What about reports of buzzing sounds and low frequency vibrations and green laser-like streaks?
AF: Yes, we have heard reports of strange sounds, like angry killer bees or screams from a terrified guy being chased by a crazed bear. The airborne objects were also emitting a hum that sounded suspiciously like the McDonald's jingle. The green lasers? It's probably just a bunch of kids playing with their Matrix toys.
Reporter: Is there any chance these objects are from extraterrestrials?
AF: Well, the UAPs as we call them, are definitely not your average inflatable tube man. It’s all very mysterious, but as of right now, we're just conducting a recovery mission and searching for answers. We're searching high and low, even for your 2021 tax refund, and keeping an eye on the next full moon, just in case. But as far as extraterrestrials go, who knows? It could be Jeff Bezos’ spaceship or even Johnny Depp flying around up there. It's all a mystery, just like the price of eggs.